The Monster, My Novel, The Music

Writing blogs has always made me nervous.  I think this is because, in my music, and in what I try to represent, I'm so idealistic, and in life, I'm such a relentless realist.  The disparity embarrasses me, and I don't want to disappoint you.  I want to inspire people to be hopeful, but I'm not hopeful.  I want to inspire people to be positive, but I'm not positive.  I fight to be these things, of course, but it is exactly that - a fight.  I force myself to be positive like a nine year old boy may force himself to believe in Santa Clause; my pessimism is like the growing truth that he pushes to the back of his mind, looming, threatening to strip him of his yuletide fantasy, though deep down he knows that it is only a matter of time before that truth grows too large to suppress.  Why does happiness have to be so fragile?  Rather, why does my happiness have to be so fragile?  And I feel selfish for even asking the question.  But I don't see the same struggle in other people.  It's as if there is a monster that follows me and no one else can see it, and each day it gets closer and closer until I have to confront it.  And this confrontation manifests as my wallowing in a pool of self-hatred, a pitch black world view, and a thick fog of hopelessness.  When it ends, the cycle begins again, but each time, the monster finds its way back to me faster and faster, and it stays longer and longer.  I then wonder about my future, and if, in five years or so, ten, someday, my life will be a constant confrontation with this monster; and when that time comes, how will I manage?

The truth is, I don't know.  Though I pride myself in my ability to solve problems, I don't know how to solve my own.  But that's not to say I'll never stop trying.

I know there are some people out there who feel the way that I feel, and that's partially why I've decided to write a blog, from this point on, weekly, posted every Sunday at 8PM.  If you're one of those people, whenever you're down, whenever you're confronting your monster, you can check and see that I'm still here.  And if I am, that means I'm fighting the good fight, and I'm winning, and that means you can win too. 

But I'm also writing this as a general log of my story.  A public journal.  A forever evolving piece of non-fiction, where neither you nor I will know the outcome.  My pursuit is one toward happiness, toward The American Dream, toward fulfillment, toward love, and if I arrive at any of these things, or if I don't, I will write about it, and we'll experience them together.

Concerning my creative projects, I finished the third draft of my novel.  Next up, I'm going to read it - likely make a change or two here and there - but once that's done, I'll be shopping it around to literary agents to hopefully get the thing published.  It will make its way to you somehow, I promise.

Musically, the album is almost finished.  It's a full collaboration between myself and Alex Fyock, aka James The Bear.  It will be released under a brand new moniker, not just my name - very much like CeeLo Green and Danger Mouse's collaboration Gnarls Barkley.  We both really hope you enjoy it.  And I'm excited to start releasing the singles and hear what you think.

And that's that.  I'll be back next Sunday.  Until then.  Goodnight, and good luck.

- Kai

Drawing by Tim Burton

Drawing by Tim Burton