'You Have Cancer' + Brownies

I’m sitting inside of my parents’ house in Fairfield.  It’s mother's day.  I have a ‘soft corn’ between my pinky toe and the next because I tie my chucks too tight and walk a lot - it’s a sore, kind of like a blister.  I woke up this last Tuesday to find that my left ear had started to bleed.  This morning, my left eyelid was swollen.  The older I get, the more it feels like my body isn’t mine.  It’s a vehicle - a fleshy car.  The paint oxidizes.  The transmission goes.  The power steering fluid leaks.  The breaks squeal.  And I can’t trade it in to buy another.  I may be able to exchange a part or two here or there, but, the trend is most definitively downward until, unavoidably, I finally have to give it back.  One day, your doctor tells you, “It’s cancer.”  You sit there, in shock, because you figured you were immune somehow, like cancer was reserved for Grey’s Anatomy and daytime soaps.  It was supposed to be a ‘did you hear about so-and-so’ thing and not a ‘how do I spend these next six months’ thing.  And you walk away feeling like you’re in a dream, like your life is a movie, and you wish you could fire the writers, hire some new ones and tell them to rewrite the ending.  But we can’t do that.  Fate doesn’t seem to care too much for character arcs.  Like a cold slap in the face from a Starbuck’s barista, death can come unexpected and without reason.

So, where am I going with this?  I don’t know.  I just bang these keys.  Maybe I’m saying that life can end at any moment, so appreciate it.  Maybe I’m telling you to appreciate your loved ones because they won’t be around forever.  That sounds corny, yeah, I know.  It’s tired.  You can read this stuff on cereal boxes.  But for some reason it doesn’t sink in for me.  I forget.  It’s so easy to shrug your shoulders at everything, to let every day bleed together until its this indiscernible mass of goop, until you’re stuck in one long Tuesday afternoon.

My sister just walked into the kitchen.  I’m sitting here in the living room.  She’s playing a song over her iPhone – ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’ by Ella Fitzgerald. 

You feel those vibes?  I’m pretty sure she’s about to make brownies.  I can hear the birds singing outside.  I’ve got to say, it’s pretty serene.  I can’t complain.  Life is good right now.  I’m sure if you viewed whatever moment you’re in from the right angle, you could feel the same.  Life is fascinating.  Let it be fascinating.  I respect positive people.  They're balancing on a razor blade, when everyone is trying to push them off.

Anyway.  Until next week.  Live good.  Really.  It all ends in a blink.  Happy Mother's Day.  Goodnight, and good luck.


- Kai

In a comment below, answer this:  Where are you and what’s going on around you right now?  I’ve let you peer into my life; I’d love to peer into yours.  Because I’m weird.  What’s the temperature?  What can you smell?  What colors can you see?  Who are you with?